apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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