Don't make out with my wife yet
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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