why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
