Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
