I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
