My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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