Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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