pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
