i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
