i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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