Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
