3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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