Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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