I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
