I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hippo gnu deer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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