We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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