I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
