I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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