I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
