May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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