i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Floor bacon is actually really good
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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