Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
