I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
