I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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