I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
