We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
