Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
