Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
