Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
