evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
