So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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