Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
