i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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