piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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