Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
