It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
