She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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