Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
