11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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