did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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