Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
