his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
