if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
