I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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