The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
