I cannot find my penis.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
