I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
