see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
