new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
