Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
