omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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